Are you truly being an authentic version of yourself? Have you ever thought about what that actually means? Authenticity isn’t about identifying with your pain—it’s about being true to the version of you that exists beyond it. Do you know who that person is?

There’s a common myth that says being authentic means splashing your pain around, projecting it onto others. But that’s not authenticity. Pain is not who you are. It may be something you’ve carried throughout your life, but it only serves to hide your true self—from both you and everyone around you. Your job is to dig yourself out of the pain you’ve buried yourself in.

When we get upset by someone or something in our experience, we have to recognize what’s actually happening within us. This is where the confusion often lies. People feel a certain way about their experience and immediately want to blame the experience itself for how they feel. But that’s not a true story. The experience didn’t make you feel anything—you chose, consciously or unconsciously, to feel the way you do.

The reason this feels confusing is because of how quickly we react. We barely have time to process what’s happening before we’re already mad or hurt. Because our emotional response is so immediate, it misleads us into thinking the experience itself is responsible for our feelings—when in reality, the experience simply triggered something within us that we are now projecting outward.

Can you state how you feel without projection or blame? Notice the difference in these two statements:

1.      People always take advantage of me because no one actually cares about my feelings.

2.      I feel unappreciated and hurt when no one notices how hard I work.

The first statement carries a sense of victimization. It places the responsibility for the person’s emotions on others, expecting validation and appreciation from the outside world. When that doesn’t happen, they blame others for how they feel.

The second statement, however, takes ownership. The person recognizes that their efforts are going unnoticed, but they aren’t blaming anyone for their emotions. Instead, they are acknowledging their feelings as their own, without expecting external change. There’s no sense of victimization—just self-awareness.

The second statement is far more authentic than the first. Why? Because it reflects the ability to take ownership of how one feels without expecting external change. Ownership is the key difference between authenticity and inauthenticity. It allows us to remain true to ourselves without projecting anything outward, creating a more genuine response to what’s happening.

We don’t have to hide our pain to be authentic. We simply need to express it in a way that allows us to fully own how we feel. To do this, we need self-awareness. Most of us are taught to blame our experiences for how we feel, a habit we develop from a very young age. Changing this mindset requires significant focus and intention.

Personally, I’ve gained focus and intention through a process of self-mastery—understanding myself in the experience without the need to change, control, or manipulate it. I learned to stop telling the story of the experience so I could focus on how I felt once it was over.

When I’d question myself about how I felt, I tried to answer without projecting blame, shame, guilt, or victimization onto the experience. I’d ask myself questions like:

1.      What triggered my feelings?

2.      What thoughts am I thinking? Are they true?

3.      What story am I telling?

As I answered these questions, I paid attention to whether or not I was able to take ownership of my feelings. As long as I was stuck in the stories of blame, shame, guilt, or victimization, I wasn’t fully owning my emotions—especially if those feelings were directed inward.

If I’m telling a story that makes me feel guilty, it’s still not authentic. At that point, I’m using my feelings to punish myself, and there is no authenticity in self-punishment.

What ends up happening is that I create a more neutral story about the experience, allowing myself to step back and truly understand my reaction. I can identify the triggers within me, heal them, and release them—while letting everyone around me off the hook. I don’t need to carry any pain because I’m able to quickly release the experience as just something that happened.

I can deal with my own feelings fairly quickly by simply allowing them to flow through. I don’t have to get stuck in the experience or in my emotional reaction to it. I don’t need to control the external world, change anyone else, or fix anything outside of me. I can focus solely on myself—my own thoughts and feelings—without needing anything outside of me to shift in order to heal.

This process fosters a much more authentic self, and it happens much sooner than we often think. You don’t have to be “fully healed” in order to be authentic. Self-mastery allows you to embody authenticity even while still on your healing journey. Authenticity is no longer a distant destination; it’s something you can choose to embrace consciously along the way.

Can you show up authentically? Do you fully own your thoughts and feelings? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. If you enjoyed this article, consider sharing it with your friends.

Love to all.

Della